The fireflies are circling, the sun is low in the west, the evening stars have just begun to shine, the birds are quiet in their nests, nature is preparing for her sleep in her own sacred silence, and even the gum geraniums swaying from my window are warmly docile. Despite the compassionate serenity of it all, my spiritual being is again in a very pathetic state today. Although I have learned that the source of happiness and peace lies within oneself and that others cannot make me unhappy, it must not be so simple to free oneself with a snap of the fingers from the patterns I have accumulated over millions of years and even from the moment I was born. Like all of us, while I was wandering in my own uniqueness, on my own stairs, on my way towards myself, these revelations, these falls, these collapses that I experienced from time to time were feelings that I owed to my judgments and my molded patterns. Despite the sweet lethargy of being able to descend into myself, between the contrast of the speed of my haste and the weight of the audible or silent pressures I receive from outside, while I have not yet accustomed myself to being nourished from my own essence, I am swept away by these pressures. I am almost being dragged. Maybe I feel the weight of knowing how other people's thoughts and controls affect my destiny, how they delay me from learning the truth, of discovering the unreality of the world of reality they have thrown me into, the traps they have pushed me into without even knowing it, who knows.

It is time to wake up from all these illusions, to open the veil of time and reason. It is time to understand and explain that all emotions, thoughts and feelings are judgments, an illusion and belong only to the physical reality we live in. Since childhood I have felt the weight of existence and the idea that I was thrown into my own destiny, into the dizzying flood of the world. I searched and searched for a way to calm my heart, cool my mind, rest my soul. I searched for a peace that I didn't know what it was or how to find it, and I couldn't find it. I experienced poverty and wealth, good and evil, beauty and ugliness, success and failure, and all the contrasts without despising them. If I had known, like everyone else, that I would be liberated from the traps of judgment into which I had fallen from my childhood, from the moment I knew myself, from all those unfortunate patterns that blind and degrade, exhaust and exhausted, from all those clichés that provoke and blind me, I would not have wasted my life, which I thought was nothing but tedious duties and obligations, in vain. I was wallowing in my roles like everyone else, even though it was not in my independent spirit to submit to limitations and to be stuck in a routine cycle. Even though I was always busy and running around, every moment I was alone with my own solitude, I was thinking. The more I thought, the more I began to feel that I was being forced to do things I didn't want to do, that I was being enslaved by universal judgments.

In this sad state of affairs, I was searching for ways to be myself. I've been rambling a lot today, haven't I? Sometimes, as I wrote in the introduction, even in the peaceful silence of the night, even under the weight of the horrible overwhelming thoughts and emotions, it affects my soul as much as a feather falling into a rushing river affects the flow, and it flows with the flow. My infinite being who knows the truth and my soul is miraculously lightened from anxiety. Now is the moment to send the thoughts and feelings that make us miserable on our way, to send them away with love. It is time to learn and search for the truth. It is not hope and solace, our sad loneliness is not real. When we purify ourselves from the narrow frame of old knowledge, from its misleading appearance, from the judgments that blind us and make us shallow, the truth will appear in all its clarity, suddenly and with a great miracle...

Mukaddes Pekin Başdil

Researcher-Author

Source: Denizli Haber